So, stupid fucking hippie-ass LUSH had this buy-one-get-one-free sale just as I was about to swear them off forever. I am ashamed to say that this flagrant tactic to make me spend more money there worked and that I’m back on the wagon. This is the last time, though. I swear.
A brief synopsis of my shame:
Silky Underwear Dusting Powder: My mom wouldn’t let me have any silky underwear when I was a kid. She said they were bad for my vagina. Now, as an adult, my thoughts of silky underwear have this interestingly decadent tinge of poor hygiene and all the exciting girls who practice it. To this day, I still don’t think I own a pair. This is why I like LUSH’s version. As long as I don’t, you know, put any up in there, it can’t possibly be bad for my vagina. Decadent, though? Exciting? Well… yes. It’s a little clumpy, due to the tiny slivers of cocoa butter designed to make it silkier than the average body powder, but that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is the packaging, a lamely constructed cardboard shaker that makes it difficult to get the right amount into your hand. I’ll put up with that for the scent. LUSH says jasmine and vetiver, I say silky-sweet and intimate. It’s the kind of thing that makes you want to lick your skin after using because you’re certain it will taste as good as it smells.
Butterball Bath Ballistic: This one’s a little guy who gets the tub all greasy, due to a high content of moisturizing cocoa butter. It smells like cocoa butter too, mixed with some vanilla and possibly sandalwood. Overall, this didn’t freak me out either way. Much like that movie In Her Shoes, I enjoyed it without ever needing to repeat the experience.
Alkmaar Soap: I pretty much bought this because I’ve just been to Amsterdam and feel very worldly for knowing that Alkmaar is a little town nearby notorious for its cheese and (legal!) hookers. I wanted to visit while I was there, but unfortunately, there seemed to be some strange substance in the air that made me lazy. Anyway, this soap is as rich and creamy as a hunk of cheese, and being scented with the same gorgeous stuff used in Silky Underwear, made my skin red-light ready in no time.
Karma Bubble Bar: My relationship with Karma perfume is one of uncomfortable fascination. I want to like it, but its high concentration of essential oils (strangely, one of the very reasons other people seem to like it so much) made me feel like I’d just come from single’s night at Whole Foods. As a perfume, Karma and I didn’t get along. As a bubble bar, however, I was in orange-patchouli bliss. Strongly scented, it filled the whole house with its rock-n-roll-groupie, designer-yoga-pants vibe. To my pleasure, it also turned the water orange and bubbled up like a bottle of Tide in someone else’s parents’ jacuzzi.
Sex Bomb Bath Ballistic: Hey, did somebody say sex? Because, you know, that’s my beat. I’m not happy unless there’s some pulsing techno coming out of the speakers and something that says sex in the immediate vicinity. Even so, I was less than stoked about Sex Bomb. It turns the water mauve and smells mildly rosy-floral. There is also some gross gelatinous flower thing involved that floats around in the water, attaching itself to parts of your body until you finally throw it at a wall… where it sticks. Yeah, call me a pervert, but this is not the kind of sex I’m into.
Honey Bee Bath Bomb: This one can eat me. It makes the bottom of the tub all gritty and painful (Rhassoul mud, anyone?), smells mildly of citrus honey for about two minutes, and leaves you sitting in a pool of water that looks like you can’t control your bladder. Not just this one time, but generally.
Creamy Candy Bath Melt: Looks like a darling little bar of Turkish Delight, smells like an oozing vat of nougat, and makes the bath water nice and slippery. What’s not to like? I’m into cocktailing this one with my Karma bubble bar right now.
Tramp Shower Gel: I went into LUSH because I wanted to bathe deliberately, to cram only the essential products into my basket, and see if I could not buy what it had to sell, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had missed out on something really incendiary in the world of expensive bath possibilities. If I had not bought Tramp, things probably would have been okay. It’s dark green and smells like patchouli and herbs, although not as strongly as some of their other bath products. I gave it to a friend.
All That Jas Bath Ballistic: Here’s a haiku for y’all: Turns the water teal. Smells like some pretty flowers. I have been suckered.
American Cream Conditioner: I’ve been trying to get away from silicone products for my hair recently, or at least to not use so many of them. This one was appealing to me for that reason, as well as the tales people on the internet like to spin of its incredible ambrosial scent. I had to wait three whole days to use it after I bought it because I don’t wash my hair very often. When I did, I found that it sank right in and rinsed clean with little effort on my part; two things I like in a conditioner. Also, the smell was pretty incredible. Rich, earthy vanilla with a little kick of spice. I didn’t find it so strong that I could go without perfume for the day, as I’d read on some of the beauty boards. But I did find that it makes my hair soft, smooth, and pretty, which is something my prior conditioner was not doing. Like it. Like it a lot.
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